Today’s cold, cold hearts are wireless

By paul marvin

The original Hank Williams asked, “Why can’t I free your doubtful mind and melt your cold, cold heart?”

Released to the AM airwaves February 2, 1951, Cold Cold Heart was ol’ Hank’s most profitable song at the time.

He had been crossing Miss Audrey badly for quite a while. By December she kicked him out of the house, to which Hank famously responded, “Audrey, I won’t live another year without you.” True to his word (for probably the first time), he was gone within months.

Her cold, cold heart was most certainly his fault.

Down South between Alabama and Tennessee, it’s almost always above freezing two weeks from Valentine’s Day. Hank couldn’t pin this one on the weather.

But here on the frigid Minnesota landscapes, freezing your heart is an actual threat. Not just a country song.

Cars in the mid-1900s weren’t as dependable as the self-driving electric ones we have now. The thought of getting stranded in a blizzard without Wi-Fi is probably terrifying for some. Especially today’s young people.

As everybody should know by now, we’ll never be dumb again thanks to smartphones. The trials and tribulations experienced by those who came before us are definitely a thing of the past. Never to be heard from again.

Lovestruck teenagers in the 50s couldn’t just internet swipe their way out of heartache. It was important to actually go through a painful roller-coaster of emotions on their own. For what it’s worth, they also hand-cranked car windows and smoked actual cigarettes.

Ghosting, a term used by today’s astutely superior youth to describe the act of disappearing instead of facing the music by breaking up with their boyfriends, girlfriends, or otherwise, wasn’t an option for 1900s kids, and wouldn’t be invented for another 70 years.

But now that we have everything figured out thanks to technology and advanced paranormal activity, “smartteens” as they are known, will never suffer from love lost. Can you imagine this luxury? They better appreciate our contributions.

Social media trends and vape pens will provide roadmaps to eternal happiness. Emotional and intellectual evolution free of aortic trauma at the hands of scorned lovers.

The hearts of future generations will continue to be wired differently. If at all.

So, if you find yourselves stuck in a snowdrift due to icy roads, or the power is out at home because of snow heavy branches, yank those handheld genius machines from the grasp of today’s youth and take time to teach them a about the important things in life. From before everybody was so smart.

Explain the value of real advanced technology like tubeless car tires, lawn darts with sharp points, and encyclopedias made from books.

Pass on old wives’ tales, garage grandpa tricks, and your favorite family stories.

Translate the meaning of important sayings like “a penny saved is a penny earned,” “the early bird gets the worm,” and “don’t have a cow, man.”

Continue the generational tradition of passing down totally rational fears from mother to daughter. Those of coatless induced pneumonia, child impaling icicles, and crossed eyes that will undoubtedly “stay that way” forever.

Doing so will help today’s youth find the importance of skills like meaningful face-to-face communication, reading (and folding) a paper map, and writing love letters with pen and paper. Yes, in cursive.

Warming even the coldest of hearts around Valentine’s Day.

An important responsibility worthy of a country song.